Dear Friend,
I was chatting to my wonderful friend J about how I have been writing a lot of letters lately about sub-par male behaviour. The words flowing from my fingertips often describe men who take advantage of, or do behaviours that reduce, our love for them.
J cautioned me with, "Don't become a man hater".
It was one of those moments when I thought, how did the patriarchy find its way into a conversation between two staunch feminists?
Unconscious words create our reality
This is one of the significant challenges for women who want to unravel thousands of years of misogyny and patriarchal conditioning - it still inserts itself into our thoughts and words when you least expect it.
J went on to explain that another friend with a history of unhealthy relationships had created a long hit list of all the men who had crossed her. J didn't want me to be similarly consumed. I could appreciate her perspective.
But her comment got me thinking: When was the last time you heard a man called a "woman hater"? I’m guessing this hasn’t happened very often.
Now consider, how often are strong women called man haters? How many times has a woman who identifies as a feminist (a woman who advocates for equality for all) been called a man hater?
Can you see where I'm going with this?
Words create our world and it is astounding how often our words create constraints for women regarding what we are (or not) allowed to say.
When a woman calls out shitty male behaviour and refuses to be silenced about it, she might be called a man hater. From a societal perspective, this is considered a great insult and an indication the woman is being unbalanced and unfair in her point of view. In essence, she should tone it down and look for the good in men.
How many times do women receive messages about not focusing too closely on the transgressions of men and instead, we are encouraged to concentrate primarily on their good deeds?
These implicit messages are received in a multitude of ways, every single day and designed to facilitate the bypassing of unhealthy male behaviours. We see this frequently in films where the male protagonist treats a woman appallingly, but at the end (just by saying he loves her) he is forgiven. Note, he rarely acknowledges his actions or apologises. She certainly doesn't bring it up because he loves her and that seems to wipe out all his previous negative actions.
It is also evident through our cultural conditioning which leads women to excuse poor male behaviours with the time-honoured response of, "But, I love him." Women are encouraged to view relationships through the lens of love and how they feel, rather than ask more useful questions like:
Is he treating me with love? If not, should I continue investing my love in him when he is unable to return it? and What actually do I love about him treating me this way?
These questions help to remove the haze of our feelings and bring the male behaviours into much stronger focus. In doing so, we become able to make decisions that are more in alignment with what we regard is healthy for our love relationships.
Listen here missy...
We live in a society that doesn't like men to feel uncomfortable.
Women are taught to compromise themselves, keep quiet and overlook behaviours to avoid creating this discomfort.
Yet, women are uncomfortable every single freaking day and generally held to much higher standards regarding how we conduct ourselves.
If you begin calling out poor male behaviour and expecting men to be accountable, the spoken or unspoken response you receive may be:
"Well, listen here missy, that's going to make men uncomfortable and we cannot have that. They might have to change something and be better. Don't become a man hater now. Don't you know, no-one likes a man hater."
But do we really hate men?
The majority of women who call out destructive male behaviours (including self-identified feminists, like me) don't, in fact, hate men. We are just not going to tolerate the disrespectful behaviour anymore. And we are not going to shut up until it stops.
Putting us into the man hater category is yet another way to shut down conversations about the real issues. After all, if she is a man hater, she doesn't really care about men and therefore her opinions have no legitimacy. Right?
Like most patriarchal reasoning, you can see there is a lot of mental gymnastics and illogical thought processes going on here. Just because a woman calls out toxic behaviours and you don't like it, doesn't mean her points aren't worthy of discussion and accurate.
If we want a kinder and more love-filled world where men and women can enjoy healthy intimate relationships, we need to unravel how we think and talk.
The patriarchal system may benefit men in some ways, but ultimately it hurts everyone. Attempting to shame and silence women who call out toxic masculinity, helps no-one.
Let's also remember, it is a freaking miracle that more women don't hate men. The levels of harassment, abuse and trauma women endure at the hands of men across our lifetimes and in every community remains insanely and unacceptably high. Yet, most of us still believe it is possible for men as a gender to transform, grow and do the work necessary to be self-accountable and treat women with respect at all times and in all situations.
Without this hopefulness, we would have given up and voted all men off the island long ago.
Lots of love,
Lucretia x